yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
