Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I love you. Go after that dick
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
