flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
