I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
