Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
