dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
You can't motorboat a personality
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
