My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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