It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize