I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My vagina is officially offended.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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