He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I will pee on everything he values.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
