I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
