I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
