i would punch a child for taco bell
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
