3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize