i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
