this just has baby written all over it
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
