Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
