I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
