So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
