Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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