In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
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