the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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