Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
