i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
