At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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