i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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