Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It's never too late to be topless.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I am one with the molecules
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize