My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
