he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
