I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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