i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
