Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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