Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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