3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
