Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
