is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
