She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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