maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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