Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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