between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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