A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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