my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
