tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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