We're facebook friends in real life
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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