i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
