If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
