The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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