I'm so fucking centered right now
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
