Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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