All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize