nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize