Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
