Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
