I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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