I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
