he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
